In Denial?

For better understanding you may want to read About This Blog first.

When we received Aaron’s death certificate  it read “cause of death undetermined” meaning the coroner had not completed his findings on the cause of death. More than a month later I got a call from the coroner who wanted to fill me in of  what he knew and to ask a few questions so he could complete his report.

He told me that there was no alcohol or drugs in Aaron’s system and then proceeded to ask some questions about his mental health and lifestyle etc. My answers were guarded, I think because I have a tendency to distrust strangers about my personal life and that of my family. It’s not that I was trying to evade his questions although I must confess I wasn’t making it easy for him to get a straight answer out of me.

He then asked if there was anyone else in the family who he could speak to that could shed some light on Aaron’s background. I directed him to my eldest daughter Lisa, who was most involved with Aaron at the time as he working in her cafe.

The next day Lisa calls and mentions her conversation with the coroner and how he felt that I was “in denial”. OK, fair enough but denial over what?

I knew that Aaron died. I knew that he walked in front of a speeding truck.  I knew he would never be coming home. I knew he took his own life, I knew he would never be at another Christmas dinner or family function. So what was I in denial about?

It’s not like I was going to bed at night, reaching over and kissing my wife goodnight then say, “let’s get some sleep, I want to get up early so I can put the coffee on for Aaron when he comes home.”

No, I knew exactly what was going on.

There was obviously so many things I was confused about and didn’t understand but being in denial was not one of those things.

In saying that I must give the coroner the benefit of the doubt because delving into my memory bank  I must confess he may have a case for “denial”,

The only person who knew about my loss  from my work place as a mail contractor was my immediate boss. I never said a word to any of my work colleagues about my son’s death. I didn’t want any undue attention, I didn’t want any one to feel awkward around me. I am a very private person and I wanted to keep it that way.

The Christmas before April 2008 our dear kids all pitched in and gave my wife and myself Air Tickets and organized accommodation so we could go back to my home town in the United States for a holiday. I hadn’t been back for nearly forty years so it was a very special gift. We already had our tickets booked for June 2008. Two months after Aaron’s death.

We had considered postponing the trip as we knew we would still be quit raw emotionally. We were encouraged to continue with our plans as apparently it would be good for us to get away.

I asked Rhonda before we left for the states if it would be okay if we could not mention that Aaron took his own life.

My sister is my only living close relative along with her two grown married children. We spent most of our time with her. Of course she knew of the tragedy as it happened but I never told her that he intentionally walked in front of a truck.

Why? Because I was ashamed that one of my kids would do what I thought was an unthinkable selfish act. My pride got in the way and I refused at the time to allow myself to talk about it. I was confused and ashamed. Not in denial. I knew exactly what I was doing by not revealing the whole truth.

Was I confused? Absolutely.

Were there unanswered questions. You bet.

Was it a touchy subject for me? No doubt.

Was I in Denial? Not a chance.

But, and just maybe there could have been one small incident that could be interpreted and possibly sway the pendulum toward self-denial.

The week I went back to work after the funeral I was sitting in my van preparing to make a delivery at a shopping center. My eyes lifted just as a young man passed by.  I didn’t see his face but from behind he looked and walked like Aaron.

I was miffed, could that be him?  I had to see his face. I don’t know what I was thinking. Getting out of my van I followed the poor guy and I was off for my first ever stalking adventure. My short legs were having a hard time keeping up with this guy so I had to put on the after burners to get far enough in front of him to see his face.

Out of breath and far enough in front I did a stop and turn all in one motion like I was lost. I got a good look at this guy who looked nothing like my son. I felt pretty silly but not foolish enough to think if even for a moment that maybe, just maybe I was in a bad dream or worse, someone was playing a bad joke on me.

I will confess that for that brief moment and only the one time I may have been, just maybe “in-denial”.

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4 responses

  1. Reblogged this on Stuck on Social Work and commented:
    Wow… A parent bravely blogging about the loss of his son to suicide. Great blog to follow. Thank you for sharing your story, I look forward to hearing more. This particular post is a great perspective that makes me think differently about the term ‘denial’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for visiting Sean and for reblogging this post. I appreciate your words of encouragement. It goes a long way, believe me.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. No parent should have to go through the loss of a child, let alone a child who ends their own life. I am so grateful to have this blog right now. I am just about to begin my journey as a volunteer for a program for friends and family of those who die by suicide or homicide. Your honesty helps me in understanding the nuances of loss and its many layers. I like how you have talked about NOT being in denial, but intentionally not revealing the cause of death and the rationale behind it. I want to say a lot more, but may be over a period of time, I will be able to articulate my thoughts better. All I can say is, you are helping so many other people, and in a way, so is your son. Thank you.

    I came to your blog through the reblog on “Stuck on Social Work”. Now, I’ll get posts on in my reader 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Henri. Your words are such an encouragement. It took over six years to be able to get up enough nerve to start writing about this subject. I am opening my heart and life for all to see. My objective is to be as honest as possible no matter how hard, knowing that this would be the best way to show others there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Your comment “…you are helping so many other people, and in a way, so is your son…” touches my heart. Bless you..

      Liked by 2 people

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