About This Blog

On April 29, 2008 my son Aaron walked against the traffic on the main highway leading out of town. Head bent down texting a friend, “it’s over”, he then walked in front of a truck and was killed instantly. Aaron was 28 years old, I was 59.

Six & a half years later I am starting this blog writing about my personal experiences as a father who lost a son. It’s not about  Aaron and what he did and why he did it. I can’t speak for him. It’s not about his mother or brothers and sisters whose loss was in no way any less traumatic for them as it was for me. I can’t speak for them nor do I  feel I have the right to.

But I do intend to be as honest about his suicide and its effect on my life.

I write in hope that I might be able to connect with others who may have had the same experience or who knows someone who did. I believe we are put on this earth to help each other in some way make sense of the truth in our lives whatever that may be.

At the same all these memories and experiences are like pieces to a puzzle. As I write, I hope each piece will find its way into the bigger picture.

I had to decide whether to write a private journal that I might someday turn into a book or a blog that I can immediately share my experiences with others who could use some solidarity and companionship through someone who has been subject to the same grief, heartbreak, anger, compassion, understanding and unconditional love because of the loss of a well-beloved child.

They say time is a great healer and for me this has been true. I tested my emotional metal by watching a video clip that a family friend put together for us to play at Aaron’s funeral. He used a song from one of Aaron’s favorite bands along with photos from birth to a grown man.  In the six and a half years that followed I tried to watch it again one time about a year after his death. I got no further than the first few photos before I had to turn it off.

When I decided to write this blog I wanted to see how strong I have grown since that fateful day by watching this video clip once again. The turmoil that erupted inside was no less violent than the day he died, but I made it to the end. I had come a very long way.

When I was twenty two I was camping in the mountains of New Jersey for an extended period of time. I was going through the DIM (do it myself phase in my life) I had this massive hunting knife that made Crocodile Dundee’s double-edged look like a pen knife.

I was making my own bread at the time. This particular loaf was hard as a rock. I tried to slice a piece and my knife bounced off the bread into my index finger. It cut deep and hurt like the dickens.When my finger sewed itself up the cut must have damaged a nerve because  whenever I touched it I felt a sharp pain. For many years that followed the pain from this cut was still quite evident and constant.

Eventually the pain subsided but the small  scar remains to this day which reminds me of the mishap forty-four years ago.

The pain from Aaron’s death is still very painful  when I allow myself to touch it. It is getting easier as each day or month passes but the scar I know will remain forever.

Everyone has their own way of mourning the death of a loved one. Everyone has their own healing process.

If I can help make that process easier for others by sharing my story then this blog will be worth its weight in gold.

Thanks for visiting,

Sammy

15 responses

  1. I hope writing is a helpful tool for you. It has always been one for me. So sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to visit and read my blog. Yes, as I write each post I feel I am being set free, letting Aaron go a little bit more each time. Yes, I think writing is helping and him at the same time if that makes sense. Again thank you for your comments.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. My heart aches as I read about Aaron. God bless you and your family. I like how you explained the scar and the pain of the death of a child. My son died by suicide 5 1/2 yrs ago. The intensity has lessened but comes back afresh on some days. I pray you will have peace. http://lensgirl53.wordpress.com/

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    1. Thanks for taking time to read my blog lensgirl53. You hit the nail on the head when you said “the intensity has lessened but comes back afresh on some days” How true, it comes back sometimes when I am off guard or more recently when I read of others who lost a loved whose emotions are still raw. I can feel their pain.

      Brandon looks like a wonderful young man who should have lived a full life, but we know he is living a full life in eternity. Bless you and yours.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sammy, I’m so sorry that you lost your son, Aaron. Could I have your permission to include your blog in the site that I’ve been curating, http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss? It’s a collection of blogs and other resources for grieving parents and siblings. I was originally curating it just for my own reading because I was trying to find a way to survive the sudden loss of my 23 year old son, but now I share it with others who are suffering and searching.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes you may include my blog in your site. Your site seems very informative. I am always on the look out for good material. If I can help others through their grief then I am a happy man. Sorry for the loss of your son Graham too.

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  4. Sammy My prayer all of us that have lost a loved one is that we all come into a full understanding of the love of God for us and our children we have lost. For those that mourn they will be comforted. I realized early that the pain of losing Kelly would remain with me until I leave this old world. I believe I have accepted that God will comfort and make a way for us all if we will let him. I trust God with my pain. I could say how sorry I am for you loss and mine but we already know that. I want folks to understand that God can and wants to comfort us and restore our souls. When I lost Kelly initially I made the statement that her death had stole my soul. You see Kelly was a very important part of my life that is now gone. God said he would restore my soul. He is doing that although the pain will remain. I was fearful of what would be ahead for me. God said fear not for I am with you and will never leave nor forsake you. He also told me to trust him. I had no choice as I seen it. I had a creator that said I would live weather I felt like it or not. I had a family with four grown boys and seven grandchildren that needed me and I need them. So trusting God became the most important thing I could do with my life. I figure you have already worked all this out after six years. For me God gave a lot of it to me up front and i accepted it. I still hurt and still suffer right now almost daily. I just do it silently and take it to him. I am thankful for a place to share my burden with someone who has been there and is living it.

    Kelly was trying to cross the road on a busy Texas freeway and was struck and killed by a truck. I write that and still shiver. Just like I did when I read your opening statement that he had his head down and stepped out in front of the truck. Our children’s life ended and so began our journey.

    I appreciated the fact you shared this story with us. My heartfelt prayers will remain with you and you family.

    Much love Tom

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  5. Thanks Tom, I agree with you, “I’m sorry for your loss” only needs to be said once, its already understood among us who are on the journey. I can’t say my relationship with the Lord was at an all time high before Aaron took his life so when he died me and God had some repairs to make. The Lord used this desperate time in my life to bring me closer to Him and I am so much closer to Him now than I was since I first found Jesus. I don’t have the same joy but the peace of God is ever present.

    Maybe we are not meant to be fully healed until we get to heaven. I know I had accepted Aaron’s death and the way he died when I started writing my story and sharing more openly with others through various forums and blogs over the past month or so.

    Like you Tom, I have always been a very private person in the way that I only allow certain people into the inner sanctum of my heart.

    Thank you Tom for sharing your heart. We understand each other. There are so many out there that have to endure the pain and grief without the Lord. Its my hope that my story can reach those without and bring them closer to the source.

    How ‘coincidental’ that our kids both died by getting hit by a truck. I wonder if they are watching us now together as we communicate our lessons with each other.

    How old was Kelly?

    Love ya brother,

    Sammy

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  6. Thank you for the Follow, Sammy. Grieved to hear about your family’s tragedy and willing to follow your journey (we’ve had a near-suicide in our family).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Mitch. Today is the 7th anniversary of Aaron’s death. Suicide is such a blight on our societies. Like a plague. Life is precious. I appreciate your thoughts. Bless you and your work.

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  7. Hi Sammy. I did not know about this blog you were keeping. I will read it starting from the beginning. It may take some time for me to complete, but I think I really need to read it. You see. Fifteen years ago I tried to end my life with a MASSIVE overdose of pills. I survived — obviously. I do not know why I did it. I was in “automatic” mode. I just did it.

    I do remember how hurt my parents were about my decision to take my life. But I did not do it to hurt them. That was not my intent. Nor, I am sure, it was Aaron’s intent. But I can tell you this with absolute certainty; your son was hurting. Deeply. And in his soul he was screaming for help. The sad thing about this screaming… NOBODY CAN HEAR IT! Because we do not share it.

    Never for one moment should you ever blame yourself or second guess that you could have done something. Do not get me wrong. I am not eluding to the point that “these things just happen”. This is something that was running through his head for God only knows how long. I am no expert in psychology, but I think you need to forgive yourself. Not for what happened. Not for the “what ifs” that may be running through your head. But rather for the regrets that you have no control over.

    Both of your blogs are a wonderful way to honor Aaron’s memory. And your blossoming passion for your own life that you mentioned in your other blog is an awesome way for you son’s legacy to live on. Share it with us. You can and SHOULD write that book. I can think of no better way — other than through the healing grace of Jesus, our Lord — to heal the wounds. The scar will always be there. But that scar will always remind you of how merciful our God is. And He is! “The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving…” Daniel 9:9 NIV

    Love & blessings!

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    1. Thanks Lizzy. You would be happy to know that when I finished up with this blog I was completely healed. Sure there are scars that I will carry for the rest of my natural life but I can honestly say writing helped me with the grieving process. I am quite interested in what you think of the blog. Since you have tried (unsuccessfully, thank God) to take your own life you can give some perspective from that point of view. That was a question that I submitted to God many times. Why do allow some to succeed in taking their own life and some not. I’m sure there is a good reason but for now it is hidden from me. Blessing dear friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wish I had an answer to that question, too. Perhaps we are not meant to know. But I can tell you this with absolute certainty; God will sit you down when you are home with Him and He will answer all those questions you need to know the answers to. I would guess not knowing right now is what gives us perseverance and a thirst for the answers we need. Keep in touch! Do you still have my email addy? If not, I will send it to you. Love & blessings!

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  8. Thanks Lizzy. No I don’t think I have your email. God bless you Lizzy.

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